HOPElessness.
God has a way of getting our attention. He has a way of changing our perspective, by allowing us to experience certain things and to be placed in certain circumstances. This is an example where He revealed what true hopelessness, or what most people refer to as depression, feels like.
I was meeting with client during my practicum. This person dealt with anxiety and depression for several years. They assured me that Jesus was their savior and that they had a very good relationship with Him and had been involved in church their entire life. Around 5 sessions, as we were discussing one of the illustrations in the workbook, the client disagrees with the material, stating that it cannot possibly be this simple. While we discussed the material and how this reference was directly from the Bible, the client insisted that it was not possible and they did not agree that God could do this.
After the session, I found myself somewhat upset over the outcome of the meeting. I could not understand how a true Christian could tell me they believed Jesus died and was raised from the dead, yet they had concluded that God could not do this very simple task found in the workbook, which was based on scripture. I found myself getting more and more irritated and questioning God. After all, if I am supposed to counsel people and they don’t believe certain scripture, how am I supposed to relate to them? How am I supposed to help them? I didn’t suffer from anxiety and depression, so I had no way of understanding the disconnect. I told God that if this was how it is going to be, I’m not interested in pursuing this calling.
The next morning I got up and I was full of anger. I’m not sure why, but I was just plain mad. I was able to hide it until my wife left for work, but, once she was gone, the day went downhill quickly. Everything seemed so dark. I was praying, yet I was so angry that I told God He didn’t care about me or my needs. He had asked me to walk on this path of Biblical Counseling, yet this current client was lost on the material. It had seemed as if God had turned His back on me and I didn’t want any part of it. As the day continued, the darkness followed. I was still so full of anger and rage, and then hopelessness had been added to the heap. I felt alone. The anger continued and I lashed out at God again, telling Him he didn’t care or He would help me. Nothing. Silence.
I woke up the following morning and found myself full of rage again! Everything was so dark and full of hopelessness. At this point, I went to God and told Him if I didn’t have a son, I would end my life. There was nothing to live for and He obviously didn’t care about me or the people who were coming to me for counseling. Again, I can’t express the feeling of anger and hopelessness I had. How had things gotten so bad in the last two days that I did’t see any value in my own life? How was it that I had gone from this path of Biblical Counseling to questioning God’s existence? I didn’t understand it and I was so angry; I didn’t care.
The next morning I woke up and the darkness was gone. There was no hopelessness, anger, rage or anxiety. What just happened? I began to pray and ask God what was going on? He said - You wanted to know what hopelessness (depression) looks like and I showed you. He showed me what it was like to be out of fellowship with Him even through I felt I was in fellowship with Him. I was praying to Him, yet I was so full of anger, rage, anxiety, self-focus and self-pity, that I was not in true fellowship with him. And I was blind to this simple fact. Sin had separated me from Him and hopelessness set in. He allowed it to happen so that I could see what this felt like. I can tell you that being separated from God will produce darkness in your life. Through this darkness, He revealed the causes - SIN (pride, self-pity, anger, rage, etc.)
If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth.
1 John 1:6
But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him.
John 11:10
The way of the wicked is like darkness; They do not know over what they stumble.
Proverbs 4:19
From those who leave the paths of uprightness To walk in the ways of darkness.
Proverbs 2:13
This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil.
John 3:19
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9
Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord
Acts 3:19
Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
James 4:10
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 16:18
If you are struggling with hopelessness, turn to God and ask Him to reveal the true issue with which you are struggling. Ask Him what is breaking fellowship with Him and to provide you with Godly sorrow in order to repent over these sins. He will and your hopelessness will instantly disappear.